The Receptionist: Everyone's Assistant

As the receptionist, I am at the receiving end of a lot of random projects from variousdepartments who have no one else with the copious amounts of unused time or skill that I do. Basically I get stuck with all the menial stuff that people can't/won't do for themselves but that they deem Highly Important. To be clear- none of it is Highly Important, but these formerly assistant-less execs become so giddy with the act of delegation that feel like they need to emphasize the difficulty and magnitude of these tasks.

Exec: So the spreadsheet has FIVE columns. Do you know how to label columns on a spread sheet?
Me: [blank stare from shock that is misread as confusion]
Exec: Ok, let me show you. [Starts to lean into my personal space]
Me: No, I think I'll be ok!! I heard there was a 'help' function or something. [Frantically grab the computer screen and hope they can't see the four Gchat conversations I have going as well as this here blog]

Now I'm not saying that my spending hours each day checking fmylife, playing spider solitaire and reading other people's magazines that are delivered to the office (I give them out- after I'm done with them) is necessarily contributing to the productivity of the company. Sure, there are probably better ways to spend my time, but better is a relative term (I mean, better for who?) and it still seems unfair for me to be everyone's assistant. Especially because I'm definitely not being paid to be everyone's assistant.

There is one exec in particular who has latched onto me as their fill-in-assistant. He asked me to do something once "as a favor" (lies!) and swiftly moved on to giving me orders, while still maintaining the appearance of asking. It's very sneaky. His favorite way to start a sentence is,

"How hard would it be to _____________" (fill in the blank with ridiculous task that only makes sense to him and has no greater value whatsoever)

He also likes to sketch out these assignments in unreadable chicken-scratch on envelopes and napkins. Those are for grocery lists and absent-minded doodling, not for people working in a multi-million dollar company. It also doesn't help that this man has the worst adult-ADD of anyone I have ever met. Ever. I once completed the same assignment for him 10 times over the course of a day because he kept forgetting to tell me everything that needed to be included. And what did I receive at the end of the day for all my hard work and frustration? A Worther's Original, you know- the butterscotch candy that your grandpa used to keep in his pocket. So now I get treats, but no raise? Nostalgia doesn't pay the bills buddy.

The adult-ADD also didn't help when he approached me with a copy of a report I had completed for him and HIT ME ON THE HEAD WITH IT. Ok- maybe hit is too strong- but he bopped me on the head with a manila folder, laughing about how forgetful I am for leaving out the changes we discussed as if to say "oh silly you!" Well I'm sure that would have been hilarious if we had talked about it in the first place, but instead it was another one of his absent-minded professor-like lapses.

Hilarious. But not really- actually embarrassing and demeaning AND in front of two coworkers, who didn't know whether to laugh or be horrified. So I had just a split second to decide how to deal with this situation, obviously he thought we had a much funnier/friendlier relationship that we do and I didn't want to yell. I decided to embarrass him back. Fair's fair, right?

"No hitting, use your words…" I said slowly as you would to a small child. He looked stunned- obviously no one has talked to him like that since grade school. I didn't care. I made him feel bad and the coworkers laugh- double win. Then came they part when he discovered it was HIS mistake in the first place. So at least I felt somewhat vindicated. And just to emphasize the point- the next time he walked past my desk I ducked and put my arms over my head.

"Aw, now you're making me feel bad" he said. My point exactly.

But later that day my air of smugness at having handled the situation so well wore off as I came to this realization: treats when I'm good, hit with a paper when I'm bad. Oh My God he thinks I'm the family dog.